Pages from the Pizza Crows by Evan Witmer

I trade pizza to a crow in exchange for short stories.

Pages from the pizza crows

In exchange for pizza, a beautiful crow delivered stories to my windowsill. I've collected those stories, here, for your amusement and observation. "Bedfellows" follows the story of a boy and a girl who are attached at the hip by supernatural means. "Belligamy" tells the tale of a powerful curse forcing married men to fight one another in order to protect their brides. "Captured by Animals" details an author’s adventures spying on people in the woods to write his romance stories. "The Red Constellation" is Law & Order SVU meets Cosmic Horror. "Young Adult Series Simulator" tells the story of that date you went on at the bookstore. "F1" is about a pregnant horse. "Nine-Tenths An Ape" is the Monkey's Paw but in reverse. "Lethe" asks, how old were you when you had your first memory? Maybe a little too old? "The Bright Idea Room" reminds you that it's the environment that kills you in the end. Not the serial killer. "Satan's Spies" is about a friendly group of businessmen and their obsession with strip clubs.

Genre: FICTION / Fantasy / Dark Fantasy

Secondary Genre: FICTION / Fantasy / Short Stories

Language: English

Keywords: surrealism, short stories, curse, animal romance, gods, darkness

Word Count: 92,108

Sales info:

I've sold fifty copies so far. I sell about two books a month, but I imagine those sales will increase as I continue to advertise on Facebook, Instagram, and through Youtube influencers.


Sample text:

Andrew left his office job shortly after he and his girlfriend Catherine broke up. Due to the unusual situation of their relationship, Andrew would have to take on a night shift in order to keep his and his ex’s lives respectfully separated.

Andrew wanted to stay close to his friends and family in the Bay Area, but his job options were limited. Most were security guard positions which frightened poor Andrew who had experienced a home invasion firsthand when he was just a boy. Criminals, specifically burglars, terrified him ever since. This left Andrew with a handful of delivery driver openings to choose from. He went with the most interesting of which: NightCap. They deliver gourmet cappuccinos after dark.

Andrew wouldn’t have to act as a barista, just the driver, which was great because he had a license to drive and a terrible culinary sense. If there’s more than two ingredients involved, Andrew just can’t get it to taste right. One of the many reasons his ex found their short time cohabitating to be a frustratingly one-sided experience.

The first week of his late-shift was rough, especially whilst transitioning between sleep schedules. Andrew kept awake by stealing a few sips of some of his customers’ beverages. Just the extra-caffeinated ones that only require a small sip to get the buzz.

Majority of Andrew’s deliveries went to the areas surrounding Stanford and Berkeley. A lot of researchers and start-ups pulled all-nighters analyzing their experiments and needed to stay sharp as to not nod off from exhaustion. Unsurprisingly, these clever minds were hard to fool and some became wise to the slightly diminished levels in their cups.

“There’s only eighteen and a half ounces. There’s usually twenty,” griped a particularly observant scientist with an eye for minute differences. He measured the size of atoms for a living.


Book translation status:

The book is available for translation into any language except those listed below:

LanguageStatus
Spanish
Already translated. Translated by Marcela Jiménez Zacur
Author review:
Marcela did a perfect translation of my book. She is extremely talented and I look forward to working with her again.

Would you like to translate this book? Make an offer to the Rights Holder!



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